This post will be a short one. I was listening to the radio, and the recent celebrity suicides were mentioned. A radio host mentioned that it may have been because God wasn't in their lives, or they didn't believe in Him hard enough, because He is life, and He is hope.

That may be true, however, I disagree with this host's viewpoint. 

In general, it really upsets me when people who have no experience with certain matters want to put their two cents in. I remember when I had to correct my mother because she said that committing suicide was "just plain selfish". I had to explain to her that at many points in my life, I wanted to commit suicide. I even had a plan and came close to doing it one time. 

A suicidal person's mind is very complex. It's more to it than, "Fuck it, I just don't wanna be here," and then eat a gun. When someone is contemplating suicide, (at least from my experience) they feel as though their family, friends and the world would be better off. They feel as though they are a burden. They don't want to talk to others about it because they feel (and again, this is my rationale when I contemplated it) "This person already has issues of their own. Why should I bother them with mine?" I still feel like that to this day. I keep a lot of what I'm going through and a lot of what I'm feeling/thinking to myself. 

One, I have trust issues. That's a whole other post in itself. Two, again, I feel that everyone else has their own cross to bear. Why should I inconvenience them with mine? Three, whenever I may mention it, their response is "Pray about it."

Now don't get me wrong. I was brought up as a Methodist. I attend church. I do believe that there is a higher power, however, sometimes it's just not enough. I suffer from a chemical imbalance that has not been healed through the numerous prayers that I've submitted. I do know that what I need to do is seek the counseling of a trained professional. 

It's good that you have something to believe in, but don't allow it to blind you to the fact that you may need some professional help. That's people's (and the majority of black folks) answer to everything. I am by no means discrediting the power of prayer or saying that God can't cure it, but I believe that He gives people the talent, endurance and strength to want to help others. Enter counselors and psychologists/psychiatrists. 

Now I do believe that religion in addition to professional treatment could possible help those that suffer from mental illness such as myself. I just don't think that religion alone is the answer. 

Remember when I said that I was going to have surgery to remove my man boobs? Well I did it! I feel a lot better about it. I mean, I'm not going back for any additional lipo. I can actually work out and get my stomach down. The titties just weren't going anywhere.

This year was a lot of "firsts" for me. It is the first time I've ever travelled out of the country. It was my first surgery. It was my first time of guys throwing themselves at me. (I'll elaborate in another post) It was my first time even having an IV. Most people look at me weird when I say that. I've never had a hospital stay or needed any surgeries or needed and IV. 

I have heard stories about people going under for surgery, and they don't make it out. That only semi worried me. I'm at a place in my life where if I were to die right now, I'd be okay with that. I've done the majority of what I wanted to do. I've been on TV. I've been married. I've gotten divorced. (didn't wanna do that though) I've in a way had become a parent. I've bought a house. I've travelled to another country. I have had and still have a great career. If I were to have expired on that table, I would have been at peace. I'm definitely glad that I didn't. I figure I still have a lot of living to do.

I just didn't believe that my time was up at 33 years of age. I don't think that I've fulfilled all of my purpose yet. And I think that's the reason why I wasn't scared about having the surgery. First of all, to me, it's minor surgery. It's not as if they are tinkering with my heart or brain or anything like that. Mainly my coworkers and friends were scared for me and I'm like, "What's the big deal?" I even joked with one and gave her my mother's number in the event something did go wrong and told her I want to be cremated. 

That joke didn't blow over too well. 

Even the surgeon joked with me. As I was falling asleep, he said "If you see a bright light-- GO THE OTHER WAY!" I forget what song he was playing as he was operating. I want to say it was "Jump Around". I know it was old and it was rap. I remember thinking what an odd choice for music. 

Anyway, this is just the first step to a better me. This has helped me to feel better about myself and to give me more confidence. I will definitely be back in the gym to work on the rest of my body.

For those of you who were concerned, I appreciate it. I made it through just fine. Now I just need to fully recover. 

Til then-- 

So... I'm fat. I have been fat for about 25 years now. I've tried diets and stuff like that, but with all diets... nothing really sticks. I've even gone as far as hired personal trainers. I know what my problem is. I'm lazy. I have no energy and no desire to consistently work out. I'll get back to that later.

Now I don't mind being fat to some extent, but there is something that I do mind and have minded for a couple of decades: my breasts. I like so many men suffer from a condition called gynecomastia, or man boobs. I've had these things since I was in like the fifth grade. They even have a name. My left one is "My" and the right one is "Bitches". Anyway. I always have been self conscious due to my body, but mainly my breasts. I've even tried chest exercises, and you know what happened? The bitches firmed up and rounded out! They looked like lady boobs!

​ Then I had the most awesomest of ideas recently. I'm here in Mexico. Why not get plastic surgery? It's sure to be cheaper. And dammit, it is! I can get my breasts removed for $850.00. I have a consultation scheduled for tomorrow.

I also thought, hmm... why not go for liposuction too, while you're at it? Depending on how much it costs, and recovery time, I just may. I am not above paying for the body that I want. That made me start thinking of the people that get plastic surgery. I understand them even more now than I did before. I've always said if I had the money, I'd get it done. I'm doing it to feel better about myself. Too many years I've spent detesting the way I look. Hopefully once My Bitches are gone, I can feel more confident in myself. We'll see. Now, I'm not going to go overboard with having the doctor create a six pack and stone pecs for me. Just have me look normal. Maybe then I'll feel normal. 

That's all for now. I'll keep you updated. 

Til then-- 

Hi everyone! I know it's been a while, but I'm coming back. Expect more blogs. Also, expect some new YouTube videos as well as a new podcast page! I'm not sure if I will continue with BlogTalkRadio seeing as how my podcast lets me upload as often as I want and at any time I want. We shall see. 

Stay tuned... 

I know in my about me section I said that I was on the fence about being a dad. This is true. I'm on the fence, but I am leaning more so towards having kids. I remember when I would have my "bad days", seeing my niece made me feel better. Her childish wonder and infectious laugh always made me feel better. There is this desire to want kids. 

I even went as far as to become a foster parent. I really wanted to adopt but here in Texas, you won't be able to adopt a child from the system without being licensed to be a foster parent. I never did hear back from them. Anyway. I think that I didn't become a parent for a number of reasons. Primarily, because I don't want to screw my kid up. Many of my friends swear up and down that I would be a good dad. I halfway agree. I mean, I know that I would be there for them and support them in ways that I wasn't. I'm just really afraid.

The way that the world is now, I know that I can't shelter them from everything. I also don't want to be that overprotective parent. How do you allow your child to have the freedom to experience life, but still keep them close? Then there's the fact that I have mental issues. I suffer from depression and some days it is so hard to get out of bed and face the day, let alone myself. If I'm a parent, I'm second. My child comes first. I would really have to push through the depression and take care of my child. That is something that I hope they never have to see. 

I really don't know why I'm concerned about that. It really isn't as if I'm going to be a parent. Uncle? Yes. Dad?-- nah... Some things are just not in the cards for some people, and I honestly don't think parenthood is in mine. If so, I'm pretty sure it would have happened by now. 

A friend of mine was pregnant with twins, and was extremely gracious enough to give one to me. Unfortunately, she lost them. So looking at the track record: Failed adoption, non-existent foster parent, and miscarriage. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I should just become a teacher and have kids in my life that way. Or possibly volunteer in after school programs or be a mentor. Maybe I'm not to have a child of my own, but make positive impacts in other kids lives. 

Who knows? I do know that once I hit 35, that's it. I don't plan on trying to adopt again or have kids in any capacity once I hit that age. 

Thanks for reading.